I’m back. I know it’s been a long time, but I’m here…it’s been soo long. I’ve missed you.
If there ever was a better time to cry, it would be now. I am feeling full and passionate and full to bursting. I’ve been gone for soo long…it’s good to be back.
I didn’t make you any promises and you never expected any. So many memories…so many places and faces and names I don’t remember…so many beds and roadsides and ceilings; they all look the same when you’re lying awake alone. It has taken me so many days to get here…so many years, so many hours and stories and tears…so many smiles..
Nothing ever comes together right. You planned and waited and tried, but you got here anyway. Despite trying to control everything, you’re still here and you’re happy. Things are not how you thought they would be. Certainly – you could never have guessed that this is where you’d end up. You have been hurt, betrayed, and broken. You have learned how to handle it and how to run with it. On the go and moving forward, you are almost ready to take the first step into acceptance.
I wonder what it feels like.
First step: the first step is going to be to cry. I know you’ve been resisting it – fighting it and avoiding any situation that might make your emotional dam crack and break. Don’t you know that it’s going to feel great? It’s going to be that release you’ve been so actively looking for. You’ve gotten so close so many times recently…you’re almost there. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to make you feel vulnerable, exposed, naked, small, weak, broken, and hurt…all of those things that you haven’t let yourself acknowledge before.
Yes – you are strong. You are resilient. You are HUMAN. What has happened to you was not right; it’s wrong…it was so fucking wrong…but it’s also OVER. You need to mourn it and move on. It’s okay to admit that you are open and susceptible to pain and sorrow just like everybody else. You are not flawless or special or unseen; not above the simple human fragilities of emotion. It is not now, nor will it EVER be, okay to hurt people. You’ve been hurt by so many people in your life, but it doesn’t devalue your life or your capacity to love others…or yourself.
From now on, nothing is ever going to HAPPEN to you ever again…unless it is good. It is time to take control of yourself and own your experiences. Love people. Love them so incredibly deeply. Listen to them. Look at them. Look into their EYES. Start seeing them…really…SEEING them. Allow yourself to have close friendships. GET a little vulnerable. PUT yourself out there. BE the friend you always wished you could have. WANT others the way you have always wanted to be wanted. KEEP living. START loving. JUMP into things you’ve always wanted to do and don’t be afraid to say yes. DO the things you’ve always put off because you didn’t have enough time or money or the “right” person to do it with, because now is all you have…it’s all there EVER was, and all there is.
There is no such thing as tomorrow. I mean – THINK about this for a second.
Have you ever SEEN a tomorrow? Like REALLY, TRULY, BEEN in a tomorrow before? I haven’t. I’ve only ever seen the todays…sooo many todays. O_O All of them rapidly becoming yesters. I really can’t waste any more time; I’m sorry. There’s just less and less of it and I am finally ready to face it. I am not going to live forever and I am not getting any younger or any more valuable by simply sitting around feeling lonely. It is time to stop allowing myself to get weighed down by all the ghosts who have ever knocked me down in the past.
Forgive him for giving up on the only good thing he ever had in his life. Forgive him for sucking so bad. That is HIS trial. He is just a ghost. He weighs nothing. Let him go.
Forgive him for the violence. Forgive him for the lying. Forgive him for breaking your heart. Forgive him for being what he is. Forgive him for remaining silent when your soul was tearing itself apart and you wanted death. Forgive him for being such a sad, sorry, pathetic excuse for a human being that you can no longer recognize him.
Forgive YOURSELF. You were vulnerable. You were open. You were naked. You were defenseless. You set yourself up for the worst possible thing that could ever happen to someone and they did: to you. You’re not special and you are no exception when it comes to pain and genuine heartache. That does not mean that you are worthless or that you are stupid or weak or unworthy of love. You deserve: e v e r y t h i n g . . . and that’s what you’re getting; don’t you get it?
You’ve got the best of all worlds here and they help to make you a more balanced person. You love and suffer solidly. You never do things less than 100% and that is what makes you so beautiful; it’s an asset. You know HOW to love…how to…suffer. You’ve allowed yourself to be close and connected to other people in a way that most people are afraid of. It’s wonderful. It’s thrilling. It’s natural. It’s okay.
You are going to be so happy and so satisfied if you just give yourself the chance. It’s alright to allow yourself to be happy. Everyone wants it; there is support and love and kindness all around you if you only open your eyes to see it. The world is a magical, wonderful, new place to be every second of every day. All you have to do to get started is to cry. Why is it so hard? Let the tears stream down and grab on to that person or those people in your life who help make it a better place to be. Allow them to comfort you and don’t be afraid anymore. Go get it. It’s time.
December 16, 2010