Habitual Fixation – Day 629

16 October 2012

Today has already been a lot of things.  I have thought a lot about myself and the type of person I have allowed myself to be…and I’ve thought about the type of person I would like to become.  I have read a bit and studied… I have eaten locally and listened to my tired body. I have paused right in the middle of watching “Hotel Rwanda.”  I have cried and been humbled.  I feel great in my potential and yet in my current life so insignificant and small.  What business do I have trying to find love with someone?  What business do I have doing anything at all but seeking to improve myself in order to help this world and other people?

How selfish I am…that I would sit and listen to romantic music and talk to people who cannot help me on facebook and think and feel and pity myself for my intensity and habit of scaring off and pushing special people away?  I am disgraceful.  I am abrasive.  I am miserably inadequate. How can I be so self-absorbed so much of the time?  Do I not need to grow?  Do I not need to change?  I need to stop trying to force others into my lifestyle and start acting out instead.  I need to plan my schedule and keep on with this sxemester’s studies.  3 Academic courses (9 units) and 3 recreational courses (Painting, Tae Kwon Do, Chorus.)  I need to train my mind.  I need to exorcise brackish thoughts and learn to live within intensive moments.

Back to Rwanda.

——-

From Rwanda to Glee to Food Inc..

I have renewed my Netflix account.  I have added DVDs on.  $100 a month is too much to pay for a cell phone…but here’s $16 to stream some movies..  *sigh* Will my hypocrisy never stop?

Anyway…I am watching Food Inc right now.  Another day of doing absolutely nothing on the academic scale.  Now don’t get me wrong, I did think about it a hellavanawfullot more than I have been, but that doesn’t make it better.  I’ll probably fail 1/5 classes.  Yea..that’s 80% of my units…but I really need 100%.  All I have to do to get a C is just work a little harder.  I’m just not doing it.  Do I find the task redundant?  I need to look a little harder at my strengths, interests, and weaknesses…then I need to plan my life and schedule.

On the plus side, my affections have been accepted by the guy I like.

Love.  ❤ Day better.

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