Habitual Fixation – Day 258

16 October 2011

This withdrawal has been a hard one. I remember my teacher saying something striking to me once. He said, “You have to write for an audience. When you’re writing, you need to gear yourself toward a specific crowd. Who is it?” To which I replied, “I don’t write for anyone else. I write for myself.” His retort was that this was impossible. Well, it most certainly was not, Mr. Hamm. I wrote for myself because back then I LISTENED to myself. The flash and flare of being desperately alone has lost its symmetry. It’s no wonder I can’t connect well with other people. It’s because I’ve completely lost connection with myself.

Quite honestly, it comes down to this; I thought my brother has pathetic for having no one else to live for but his girlfriend in this world. What I didn’t acknowledge, was that I was hardly even living for MYSELF, so how could I judge him? Basically, I need to start listening to myself again and really show what it is that I want in life. I think I should try to find a cause; narrow it down to what I really want and what is really important.

My stomach just flipped at the sound of him in my mind’s eye. I can see him so clearly: just one single strange-like picture. Of course I was invited. Just so.

No more facebook for now; I’ve got a website. I need to take my medicine. Get on it. Sleep now and then work and then Anna and then you’ll be in a better light, methinks. Sleep now. You might get to see someone bright tomorrow. 🙂


16 October 2011

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