Do No Harm

So much has gone right in my life. I have grown up privileged with Love and Education and encouragement on all sides. Any adversity I have faced has been met with intellect and understanding in time and patience. From much harshness and violence, I have come to surrender what I thought was power for the untold strength of integral nonviolence and “do-no-harm” existence. I want to Do better. I want to BE more fully. I want to be supported and encouraged on my path to total nonviolence and be a beacon for others. I want to Live the pureness I perceive and commit to peace and gentleness of myself. I’d like to lead my community by example and I believe that immersing myself in the study and practice of non-violence will lead me to a more complete and impactful existence. Many times I have declared that I would one day run for City Council with the intention of becoming a strong mayor. If this is ever to happen, I want to ensure that I direct the people who are trusting me with active peace and compassion. I need help. I am open to receiving it. I’m ready now.

Growing up, I experienced violence first-hand; at the hand of my father. I grew up in what I recall to be a near-constant state of fear and dread for his presence. Despite my early terrors, I quickly tapped into the innate role of a protector for my siblings and mother. I would insert myself as an obstacle between them and my father. I spoke out against the abuse and was beaten often. Having been brought up in this environment, I myself became inertly violent and mistrusting of others. I was aggressive and hostile toward myself and all outsiders, especially family, without relent until the age of 15. I became aware of the parasite of hatred when I began to explore my sexuality and entered into my first committed, monogamous relationship with a person from mainland China. They came from a radically different cultural and emotional paradigm than I did. I began to see that there were many ways of dealing with feelings and altering the situations I was experiencing. This relationship was the beginning of my exploration into passive reserve of emotions, gentleness toward others, and peaceful surrender to violent circumstances. I began to look around and learn from the people around me. My mother, in her desperate romanticism; my brother in his aloof self-centered-entitledness and silent resentment; my sister in her repressed gender identity and need to please others…so much judgement and assessment of others-! Who was *I*? What was MY complex? What was MY simplification? My label? I began to look inward. I let go of the hatred and anger and judgement of others. I started to seek out peace within myself. I studied Socrates and Jesus of Nazareth. I read about King Ashoka and his conversation of self. I read about classic Indian thought process and began to explore culture, practice yoga, and find myself in meditations. I started to practice Tae Kwon Do in college. I was excellent in the art, but within a month I realized I could not abide by it. I chose to practice T’ai Chi Chuan instead. Even in a nonviolent setting, I could not put my energy into advancing in a hard art. I want all things that I do and all paths I take to be nonviolent. I participated in an “Integral Nonviolence Workshop” this last year, 2013, thru the Chico Peace & Justice Center with Director Chris Moore-Backman. It moved me deeply and I have been engaged in more and more active grasp and release of injustice in my personal life since then. I am very called to a “do-no-harm” lifestyle and seek support for this goal. If I have to pay, I will do so — this is what I value. I am ready to delve in more deeply.

I want to gain inner peace and supportive resource to draw from in times of struggle from my studies of nonviolence. I want to gain a network that uplifts me and helps me to remember that I am never truly alone and never abandoned. I want to gain trust and faith that things can be better than they are. I want to gain confidence in my beliefs and feel actively gentle and empowered. I want to surrender to the way of nature and be a peaceful yet active flame of integral nonviolence and non-pious wisdom to light up the goodness of those around me. I want to gain a monumental quake of great significance that will cause ripples of goodness and security that bless as far as I can reach in my community. I want to gain a more complete, loving existence for all of us. I would like to become worthy of being elected as the mayor of Chico.

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