Is there anybody out there?
I feel so disconnected.
Is it plugged in? Why aren’t I connecting?
So many things I should…or rather, COULD, be doing right now. I used to have such a thirst for connection…such a desire to express my feelings and opinions. Lately I’m shut down. It’s very hard to feel like it matters, any kind of self-expression.
Too many ideas born and starved out in infancy…
No follow through.
At least I got out of bed today, though. Another day off…another day wasted. I tore apart the house looking for one lousy piece of paper…and the old DVD sent from Netflix. I’ve had it too long and need to remail it.
At least [boyfriend] is being productive. He went for a long walk without me. He drank his coffee; smoked his cigarettes. Got a delicious home-cooked meal without even asking for it. He went to a guitar lesson. He came home and now he’s playing that guitar with a captive audience. Nothing can stop him. Nothing holds HIM back.
I feel like such a worthless person.
So I went for two bike rides today…I got the back air filled. I went to the bank. With the exercise, I felt better, sure. A trip in the park started to get my mind thinking: what would it take for me to feel as though I am a worthwhile person? What would I have to do, earn, or obtain in order to feel as though my life is meaningful and a life worth living?
– 21 October 2015