Comfortably Numbing

Is there anybody out there?

I feel so disconnected.

Is it plugged in?  Why aren’t I connecting?

So many things I should…or rather, COULD, be doing right now.  I used to have such a thirst for connection…such a desire to express my feelings and opinions.  Lately I’m shut down.  It’s very hard to feel like it matters, any kind of self-expression.

Too many ideas born and starved out in infancy…

Nobody listening?

No.

No follow through.

At least I got out of bed today, though.  Another day off…another day wasted.  I tore apart the house looking for one lousy piece of paper…and the old DVD sent from Netflix.  I’ve had it too long and need to remail it.

At least [boyfriend] is being productive.  He went for a long walk without me.  He drank his coffee; smoked his cigarettes.  Got a delicious home-cooked meal without even asking for it.  He went to a guitar lesson.  He came home and now he’s playing that guitar with a captive audience.  Nothing can stop him.  Nothing holds HIM back.

I envy.

I feel like such a worthless person.

So I went for two bike rides today…I got the back air filled.  I went to the bank.  With the exercise, I felt better, sure.  A trip in the park started to get my mind thinking: what would it take for me to feel as though I am a worthwhile person?  What would I have to do, earn, or obtain in order to feel as though my life is meaningful and a life worth living?

– 21 October 2015

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