Chaos, and Confusion

You know what’s funny? How one second can turn your whole world upside down, upending everything and leaving confusion and chaos…just…like…that. As the wind, in a moment, everything can change. Actually, it’s not funny – It’s terrible, and it must be the worst feeling in the world, because it feels like shit. It’s a horrible feeling to drop from having the time of your life to feeling like you’re dirt.

I will never understand why things happen the way they do, but I will always to my best to move on and accept it. I hate feeling this way – so lost, hurt, depressed, sad, angry, ashamed, used, confused and rejected. So many emotions, yet so little soul. I can’t take it. It’s all too much. I thought I was stronger than this, above it all. Immune. What just happened to me? What have I done to myself?

Two days, eh? Wow, that’s an all time LOW. Pathetic new record…The girl who just a second ago was so happy and content has lost her energy. Lost her will to go on…She feels ashamed and so betrayed…she can only think of her own pain, and she is ashamed also of being so selfish…So celf-centered…not seeing the otherside of it. Is there one? She must not have realized that by loving him, she had put herself in such a delicate situation…she had forced him to do something he didn’t want to do – she was selfish and self centered and wrong. She feels dreadful but she can’t take it all back now…and she can’t even figure out if she wants to…She is a fool. She moved too fast for him, she now sees. The faster you go, the more it hurts when you crash.

She gave her heart away too easily and quickly…she thought he would catch it – but instead watched as he held out his hands to grasp it…yet…it slipped through his fingers…

She liked him – she trusted him…but what made him so special? She still doesn’t know! She didn’t follow the rules, she never does…but this time, she didn’t hurt her family. Her friends? No…no, this time she hurt herself. She would give anything to be back in his arms right now…have all the pain melt away. But it won’t, and she wants to hurt him for it. Wants him to know how he’s affected her…She is a fool, and she hates herself for being so week and so vulnerable. It was only two days of friendship, and only two DAYS or more. Is it even worth mentioning? No, it wasn’t. It was nothing. Nothing…only the feeling of openness and trust – maybe even love…but what does she know about love? It has never worked out for her – never been a freiken happy ending. It could not have been love…how could it have been?? How could she be feeling this dreadful when she had only seen him twice?

What is wrong with me? Oh, only everything…

She feels pathetic, worthless, foolish…yet he seems fine. She thought he really liked her, but I guess not as much as he liked the other girl…She knows that the other girl was here first, that she’s will win…but it doesn’t sway her. Does time think she deserves to be punished? Why can’t he see what she’s done for him, the sacrifices she has made? For him. After only two short weeks…had she changed so much? Why can’t he see how special he was…to her? Why can’t be see how happy she made her. Why can’t he see all the pathetic wasted time she spent fighting with herself over her past – just to be able to seem happy when she saw him! To feel safe, and be able to lean on him, because she though she was special. I guess she wasn’t. She feels bitter, and that hurts her even more and makes it worse.

Her pain is swallowing her, and she wants it to…anything to make this end. Psh, all this over one guy? She is so pathetic! Look at her. Lying there sobbing, like a detestable worm. Watch as she tries to drown it out, tries to feign happiness and acceptance. She’s trying – yet failing -she is a failure – and she hates herself for it. For not being enough – for not being good enough. Not being perfect…like he is.

Maybe one day the winds of time will blow their paths together once again – but he won’t want her by then…For she has already disgraced herself by exposing herself this way. So alone and disgusted for being the way she is. Living in a fantasy world where everything seems fine – where it all works out and there is a happy ending. Surrounding herself with a reality much better than her own. She almost wishes she hadn’t cared so much about him. It hurts so much, she hurts in her loneliness. Would he want to take her back after such an impulsive misery? No, he doesn’t want her, it seems. She is vile and crude and doomed to failure because of her own self-hatred. She trusted him – too much – for he has already done the thing he swore he wouldn never do – he has hurt her. No, she has hurt herself, rememeber? Because she is fool. She was too optimistic…too foolish.

She’s scared him away with this, she knows it. Who would want someone who is so consumed by mara? She let down her wall for him – not realizing how vulnerable she was without it. This is her own fault. Not his.

She wants to disappear – She wants to be gone…take off and go far, far away…to be alone in her own dark corner of despair…wants to wallow in her complete loss of hope…But where could she go to get away from this horrid place? Who will hold her and tell her everything is going to be alright?

Nowhere, it seems, and no one.

13 February 2006

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