Blocking Out

There are currently 22 “pending” friend requests sitting in a certain window on facebook.
There are 43 people “following” me.
I have also put 21 people into my “blocked” list over the last several months.
I have a sifted friends’ list of down to 342 individuals.
I love them all.

I find myself lonely.

I love so many wonderful people…

I want to be free.

I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I find myself reaching out toward you. I stretch out my arms and want to know what it feels like to caress you..and to be touched by you. I am worried that I’ll be too distracted with my ever-growing Self and forget to miss you one day. What if I unknowingly neglect you? What if I’ve wanted to “have” you, only to awake one day and find I’ve lost you completely? Do I “have” you now? Are we are close as we’re ever going to be? Are we our own in those silent moments? Is it because we know what I am..what I am not, and what I will never be..

..that I’ll never be able to be contained, limited, or disabled?

I was once a bright within a lightbulb. Suddenly, that brightbulb slipped out of the hands of bliss and when it hit the earth, it shattered. Instead of disappearing or burning out, it decided to illuminate all the corners of the universe with its tiny little brightness. It was an impossible feat and the dim little Bright strived for it. Slowly at first…and then all at once -!- the fire within the Spirit sparked the fuel of eternal Love within another Spirit. So it went until all the world was consumed and burning in the comforting flames of connected Love. And the little Dim that started it? She was nowhere to be seen and she was eventually forgotten.. For, in the midst of exploding, she expanded to encompass the great vastness of existence and became part and parcel of all that surrounds her. In the pureness of her Being, there was no definition of separateness to distinguish between herself and any other. Filled with the essence of her Spirit, all that was touched became good and all that became good became connected in in-finite Oneness. In that whitest of whiteness, that essence of essence, that Love of Loves, she was unleash-ed…in the process of her brokenness, she was free to Be again.

So why the loneliness?

Why do I yearn for you?

Why am I still not enough for me?

In the stillness, in the quiet breathing of a darkened bedroom, why do I long for you? Why do I want to hold on to you? What is there within you that I on my own cannot obtain and satisfy?

What is it, in that silent, undeniable tingling that is so irresistably delectable? Why can’t I give myself that feeling? What is there that, as a single, I lack? And why can’t I be loyal and singularly for you? What true freedom can there be within this cripplingly open sexuality? Why cannot our memories together be complete and remain sacred without others’ moments being considered? Why must you want me so…only?

And so, I unblock you.

I reserve the right to keep my heart of hearts deep inside me.

I allow you all to see me when you’re looking.

I embrace you in your nakedings and I truly, madly love you.

Do you see me?

Do you Love me?

Can you See Me?

Can You Love Me?

– 07 November 2014

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