A One-Sided Love

I miss him.
I miss the way he’d poke me…I miss the way I’d pretend to be annoyed…but he’d eventually get to me and we’d have a furious poke-back tournament…I miss the way he’d never look away when we looked into each other eyes…as we spoke of things that made us happy…I miss the way he wouldn’t laugh at my jokes when they weren’t funny…I miss his honesty…I miss the way he’d play with my hair…I miss the way we’d laughed at his jokes, which were always better than mine…I miss the way he’d pretend it was an accident when he’d run straight into me or get too close…I miss how he’d walk with that extra spring in his step after we spoke…I miss how he made me feel so happy…so important and appreciated…I miss…him…I miss the way I always liked him and he always knew…but never admitted it…

I feel sad when I’m not with him…I feel sad when he can’t look me in the eye when we speak of his girlfriend…I feel sad when I look at him and know our love isn’t public yet…it’s restricted…limited…I felt depressed when he left me…and I felt stupid and used when he never showed…I felt hopeless when he spoke of his troubles and I couldn’t help him…I felt apathetic when I heard he had pledged his love to another…I felt cold and dead inside…like I’d never love again…I felt happy when he told me his feelings for her weren’t true…I felt confident when he paid extra attention to me when I’d flirt with his friend…I felt beautiful when he’d tell me I was with his eyes…but I also feel hate…

I hate the fact that I never knew if he loved me back…I hate that he’ll probably never love me back…I hate how I might never know if he loved me…I hate how I might have tricked myself into thinking there might have been a time when he could have ever loved me…I hate the way I feel like I’m drowning in my love for him…I hate the way I feel like I can’t live without him…I hate the way I finally need him-when I swore I’d only rely on myself…I hate how I feel lost without him…I feel desperate and needy when I’m not with him…but I feel happy when we’re together…holding hands in our hearts…I hate how I might have been living in my own happiness…a one-sided love…

June 13, 2005

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