Okay, so today I went to Paradise to meet and hang out with some of Sal’s friends. They were all pretty cool I guess, but I had also planned to meet another friend up there while I was in town. So, that friend gave me his number last night and said to call when I was in town, so I called when we got with his friends and he never answered. Went straight to voice mail, which was kinda weird…means he musta had his phone off. So then I start wondering hmm…maybe he chickened out, since we haven’t seen each other in a long time, or maybe he couldn’t get out, or maybe his phone’s battery ran out, or maybe he died. Or MAYBE he decided it would be really funny to just ignore me and not call me back or meet me or anything, and give me false ideas of friendship. I dunno. Could be any of those…maybe…and thenlater I got a text message from another friend who rarely talks to me now that he’s in college, so I was like, oh, shooot, i didn’t realize anyone had texted me…so I tried to call back, but it rang and rang and eventually went to voice mail. So I texted back…I wonder if he’s okay…he sounded pretty down when we last spoke…so I hope he’s safe and everything is going alright in his life. So here am I, thinking and wondering if I really fit in with these people who I would like to be my friends…or are they just nice when I’m around and then different when I’m not there? It’s been a long time since I’ve cared what anyone thought about me…now I do, and it feels…too human…too emotional for me. Me, the girl who handles her own and takes care of herself, and doesn’t let anyone influence how I act or dress. Maybe I am changing…getting desperate and lonely and yearning for the type of close friendships that I used to have…when I could trust people without the fear or even the THOUGHT or being fuckin stabbed in the back! Maybe I do need someone special in my life, who I can appreciate and love and just have a good time knowing that they felt the same way about me. Or maybe, after so many years of living in a shit whole, maybe all I really want is a family. One who will love me unconditionally…the pain of the past comes back to haunt me when I think of the times when I was happy and it was all snatched away from me…like reaching out for a hand to help you up from the ground when you fall. Makes you feel like someone is there for you. But then they yank their hand away and laugh at your expression…laughing…taunting…killing you slowly…by making you feel…making you human…sometimes it seems like things would be better if I didn’t feel…and if you didn’t feel pain, or lost or lonely…small and insufficient…like nothing you do or are will ever be good enough…rejected…sad…alone…depressed…sick and tired of being scared of being left with no one…no love…then no one could ever hurt you…but you could never feel the good feelings either…would it be a good trade? Then you’d feel angry and pissed off at the world…but wait..isn’t it my own fault? I feel so…nostalgic…the whole thing of time makes me sick…I want to be gone.
January 2, 2006