– The Producers
I have always been inclined toward writing. I began exploring philosophical quandaries on my own by mapping them out in what I now refer to as “the Question-to-Question format”* on a piece of white, wide-ruled lined paper in Paradise, CA, 2005; with a no. 2 pencil. It was from those first writings that I created and published my first “book” in 2008. Expression in this way came so easily and quickly throughout elementary school that I’ve tended both to discount and ignore it since then. I often come to a point where the forces of overwhelming chaos and destruction in the outside world overcome my Spirit’s Sight in such a way that I choose to neglect its proper care and cultivation.
As often as we ignore the sacredness of our own breathing, I would, seemingly constantly, drift into the brume of a world; disenchanted. Suddenly, as if bumbling absently into a white wall in the midst of this cerebral fog, I would find myself becoming systematically reawakened to the alarming realities of disparate unawareness as I chose to continually smother my thinking to forsake my own art.
This original concoction I called a book was nothing more than a hurried togethers of various revised and edited short reflection pieces I had recorded upon the intellectual rumination, however unwelcome, of certain, rather disturbing, “childhood” experiences of my life. It was not extensive and was certainly nothing intended to be too elaborate, flowing, or otherwise fancy. I brought the pieces into a single finalized format as part of my high school’s “Senior Projects” process. Some were proud of it; I always thought I was.
Since this rushed and frenzied grouping of inarticulate thoughts, I have done sporadic writing here and there – when the urge to do so became overpowering and flew forth from out my heart; hands. I graduated in 2008 and was the senior class valedictorian for my charter. I had a 3.75 GPA. I would have had a 4.0 if I had turned in three more assignments in creative writing. I performed exceptionally well in any topic or class that I was interested in without consciously trying. Even in high school, I didn’t see any point in expending my time and energy into the “points//grading system” that didn’t really matter to me. I chose not to write on any topics that were meaningless, too vague, or extremely boring. I suppose that I also had a rather developed aversion to undeserving hierarchies and unreasonable authority. I would be lying if I feigned that I had suddenly and inexplicably been struck by this rebellious nature in high school, or even junior high. In fact, I believe all this friction between me and “the ways of the world” sprang up in second grade at a Catholic elementary school..
In any case, despite looking back on my life as a series of successive failures more often than could be truthfully reported, I have since tried my hand at attempting various long-term and short-term commitments. These phases have ranged from various romantic endeavors, switching between a host of different hobbies and paid employment occupations, and even attending a wide variety of structured academic courses through our gorgeous California State University of Chico. Throughout all this, there have been some notable recurring themes.
One of these themes is obsession. When something strikes me right, I have allowed myself to become completely immersed in that activity or concept. Complete immersion consists of my heart, soul, mind, and body being dedicated and honed in on that one topic. Another theme is absolute and utter selfishness. I eventually choose what I perceive to be best for myself in the long-run; always. This can lead to outside perceptions of my actions as sporadic and impulsive; rash and overfilled with spontaneity. This is a drawback of any free spirit. I accept the consequences of coming across as an explosive or otherwise “crazy” person. Can we expect the stallion to remain fixed and still when others try to restrain it? I should think not. I am a stallion.
Still another of these themes that runs the veins of my conscious thoughts and actions is an innate desire to do what I decipher to be the right, or most correct, thing.
I purchased a website domain on 13 December 2010. As I edit this homepage, the time stamp is 24 December 2012. and had one year to figure out who the hell I wanted to try to be. That is, I wanted to set my sights on a goal or many small goals of some kind in order to increase my happiness and help me feel more satisfied with my existence.
That isn’t, of course, that I had expected to know who I WAS by that point; in fact, I plan to never be done revising, adding to, and editing bits and pieces of the current “me” until there is no longer time or energy enough to do so (death or coma.) More over, it is that within that year I had hoped to be even more aware of my smallness and irrelevance to the overall scheme of life in the universe. Most importantly, I planned to be more at peace with it.
I have stopped paying for the website right now; it is free currently. I am going to be mostly talking to myself a lot.
Thank you for visiting me. Feel free to write, muse, and comment. I wonder if one day you and I will became good friends.
*This method would eventually lead to the “Yellow Pages” method that would begin to occur in the later part of 2012.