How I Used To Feel

I hate this so much. I hated her, but then I’ve read her blogs and she makes so much damn sense. I know what she must be feeling. We both like him for real…the problem is that there are two of us only only one of him. We can’t both have him.

I feel like shit knowing that just by going on that fateful Saturday, I have screwed up 3 lives. Hers, his, and mine. Why does it have to be like this? She must hate me for even meeting him…he must hate me too, for fuckin it all up for him. I am not a bad person, but I feel so torn. We hit it off so well, it amazed me. He’s perfect, but maybe I’m not perfect for him. Maybe I don’t deserve him, I just happened to walk in on this and get way too involved…I didn’t know. I didn’t know how complicated this all was just until recently.

Love is easy – life is hard. I want everyone to be happy – but I can’t just give it all up either. It’s not fair to them, that I have these feelings, but I do, and I can’t fight them. I am in too deep to turn back now. I am so sorry, I can’t steal him from you if he loves you…I wish I had never been so foolish. I must seen like a bitch to her – to come and steal her love away. Now it is done, and we all are three alone.

I wish I could just let it go and forget, but I can’t…not now…not with all these feelings…emotions I should not be feeling…why, God, do I have to be me? WHY do you make us all suffer? Get us through it…we can’t stand the waiting…time is a hard concept for us…forvever is the only for sure, and eternity. yet it is beyond human understanding. Help me to know what needs to be done, and to do it, with full understanding, acceptance and love. Help me be strong. Guide me. I need help. Please help me…Lord, I am so lost and feel so vulnerable and weak…please…

I have also noticed myspace being a bitch with the music thing for the past 2 weeks…it’s hella annoying…I am listening to “I don’t wanna wait” from Paula Cole…but I have hella songs running through my head, and if you look around my myspace and read my bulletins, you’ll see.

14 February 2006

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