I am finally fed up enough where I’m actually writing this. I am sick and tired of feeling ignored, brushed aside, dismissed, and otherwise trod over. I am done with being interrupted when I’m talking and SO FAR past being open to being assaulted with somebody’s half-assed, undereducated opinions and advising about what I should be doing with my life.
I’m very tired but I’m also quite sorrowful and slightly angry, I’d say.
I’m feeling unheard and devalued. I’ve been very drained from work and stressed financially recently, but I’ve made a commitment to exercising more often and I’m trying to eat better and ingest much less sugar and caffeine..it’s been difficult for me to feel motivated to share any time with most people.
I tend to feel very dismissed and unheard most of the time in most social interactions lately.
I find “hang-outs” to be largely exhausting and I’ve been seeking to avoid them. I feel like so many people I interact with tend to take, take, take, and talk-over me or talk down to me and I end up just being silent and trying my best to hear THEM and connect with whatever it is THEY are sharing but then I tend to avoid them like the plague from then on because it’s so hopelessly exhausting.
I feel very looked down on and discounted by so many people in my life.
Perhaps it is simply because I feel disappointed and judgmental toward my OWN self that causes me to feel dread at having to interact and exchange situational facts with other people. I’m ashamed of wasting away in my talents, not pursuing my passions, and giving up on things that really matter to me. I know that all of this is MY perception and MY problem, but I still find it very hard to get around.
I feel so helplessly trapped and stuck in my own life..it’s been getting to a point where I’m starting to feel currently desperate..I need change and I am terrified of never having the fortitude to choose it.
I feel so hopeless.
For the past 4 years, I feel like I haven’t accomplished or achieved anything.
I’m alone, largely unmotivated, devalued, and feel like I’m stuck in a dead-end existence where I don’t seem to be growing. Yes, I am always learning and improving myself, but I feel totally worthless because it seems like no one really notices me..and I mean ME. ALL of me. Yes, People are drawn to my smile or to the positive things I say and the unconditional acceptance and love I choose to feel and act on towards others, but I am more than all this..SO MUCH MORE and I feel so impossibly insignificant and pointless right now. want to stop feeling horrible and pathetic.
I guess I just feel like I’m working so hard and not getting anywhere else..not moving up or down or ANYWHERE and I feel like I’m spiritually dying. I feel like I’m running and running and never finishing the race and it just goes on and on forever and I’m doomed to keep sprinting and jogging in an impossible labyrinth marathon and now I feel like I can’t even remember what I’m running for anymore.
Someone randomly grabbed my hand yesterday and looked at it while I was at a community dinner.
They studied it a moment and then pointed straight into the middle, where a line had been etched deeply into the center in a straight line, pointing upwards, then stopping midway in the middle of my palm.
They said, “This deep line represents your sense of direction in life and your own understanding of your purpose. It tapers off here because you have no direction and you’re not moving. You need to find a way to make this line move forward. You have to move again and choose a new direction.”
I was fucking floored by that.
I stared at him with my mouth open and said absolutely nothing.
WTF, MAN. WTF.
In any case, it’s that moment in life (once again) where I admit to myself that what I’m doing isn’t working and that I’m in a financial choke-hold and feeling fucking miserable about everything.
I want to be respected for my integrity and my beliefs. I want to be taken seriously as a philosopher, a peace activist, and a writer.
I want to sing and dance and emotionally connect with other people thru things that are sorrowful and beautiful.
I want to unite people and make the world better by simply LIVING and loving and choosing to be peaceful in all my thoughts, words, actions, and interactions.
I’m starting to feel a bit relieved..but it’s likely a long and painful process for me to really accept that I can’t spiritually sustain the life that I’ve been living for a while..I’m not ready to give it all up yet. x_x
I often feel like I let people down because I’m choosing to keep so busy.. I’m so tethered to the restaurant now..and as much as they need me, I myself have become patterned and reliant on my time there..I know I need to leave it and get out of this financial choke hold (this awful apartment situation) but my debauchery is of the go-out-for-dinner kinds and I can’t seem to STOP spending money when I’m attempting to distract myself by surrounding myself with good people I call friends who aren’t even aware enough to be present in listening to me. x_x
I am typically quite skilled in adapting a non-expectation viewpoint toward other people and that generally keeps me pretty happy…
I guess I’m just feeling like throwing some kind of tantrum right now because I feel so worthless..
Later, I may find this entire conversation to be slightly embarrassing.
However, I need it right now.
So thanks for listening.