Going to Alaska; a Non-Engagement

It would seem that the Universe is yet again offering me everything I’ve been asking for. 🙂  I have been focusing so much negative energy on the person sensation of being held back from committing to my writing that it has pressured itself into a forceful positive in that direction.  A wonderful opportunity has presented itself that will help me wrap up all my current frustrations and accomplish all my ambitions. 🙂

I have entered openly into a loving relationship with a close friend of mine who has invited me to come live with him in Alaska.  If I moved to Alaska, I would be able to detox my soul and body and realign myself with what it means to Be; me.  Being so far away and so abruptly in a new situation will contribute in a positive way to my overall success as a human being on this planet.  Although shocked initially by the boldness of his proposal, I consented just as boldly and have been rapidly sinking into the idea quite easily.

It all feels so effortless.

I am going to resume my writing a well as re-simplifying my diet to raw, healthy, local foods.  I am going to spend less time with people and more time hiking.  I am going to spend less time sleeping in depressive stupors and more time collecting chords and songs on the ukulele.

I am going to use my time at home to rest and look through the rest of my box of stuffs and paperwork.  I am going to read more.  I am going to donate or sell all the clothing I am not using and perhaps purchase some comfy new underwear — possibly boxer briefs.  I want to use the daylight hours when I am not working for Gogi’s Café to be outside in the Park, among the fresh air and sunlight.  I am going to try to fall asleep with a clear mind, a solid plan for my newest day, and a pure heart.

I am going to practice reservation, expression through contemplative writing, and patient observation/listening.  I am going to be more professional and declare limits on my interpersonal relationships.  I am going to keep my room clean and begin decluttering my personal space and possessions.  I am going to be early to all professional, personal, and community functions.

I am going to care for my body and refuse to abuse or strain myself with useless additives such as caffeine, alcohol, frivolous sugars, sodas, and unnecessary snacks and dessert items.  I am going to fast completely from anything entering my body but water every Wednesday.  I expect this practice to take lots of time to implement, but one day I hope to master it.  In order to assist myself in this fast, I am going to prepare a declaration of personal intention for my actions, a sort of “mantra” if you will, in which I evaluate and explain clearly all the factors that will play into my process of self purification for Spiritual development.  I will post this declaration on my bedroom wall, bedroom door, the refrigerator, and my bathroom mirror so I can always remind myself of my goals and aspirations.

I will create a more-or-less chronological list of objectives which I will use to keep me aimed toward the future I want to create for myself.  This list will serve to assist me in remembering who I am, what my values are, and what my long-term and short terms hopes may be.

In short, it is now the first of October in the twenty-third year of my Being.  I plan to accomplish all of this within 6 months time and use the money I collect from the sale of my possessions, as well as my refunded deposit, to purchase a one way plane ticket to travel to Alaska by May 1st 2014.  If all goes extremely well, I will travel extensively by backpack//hitchhike around California and Oregon to couch-surf/reconnect with friends and family during the entire month of April, collecting support and exchanging letters of love and sincere connection with all those Loved Ones I encounter.

Now for the second portion of my title: “a Non-Proposal.”

I have to admit to you that, until age 21, I had believed that I was, at heart and in action, an entirely monogomous individual.  The experiences of the past two years, however, have shown me otherwise.  This is very hard to admit to others, but I have known deep down in my Spirit since I was  a teenager that I was very much a Loving creature; in fact, I believe the most accurate term for it in today’s terms might be “polyamorous.”  I love everyone.  I don’t mean, “Oh gosh, I just ~LoVe~ everyone..!” in a way that is either manic or very loose and superficial, but in a way that is incredibly heartfelt and deep-rooted in a Spiritual need to be connected to other people.  I am Spiritually capable of humanely, spiritually, emotionally loving and connecting with just about any person or being who is raw and willing enough to open themselves up to me.

I am polyamorous.  I am an absolutely Feeler.  I am a Lover.  Eventually, I will open about and embrace this.

With this, however, comes the often shakey and off-putting territory of confusing other people and inviting certain individuals in where One might have otherwise kept them at a stark and obvious social distance.  This is something I have been coming to terms with and learning how to deal with more gracefully, tho I must admit that I am still becoming aware of and honing this.  If I want to carry on in my Life and embrace myself totally, I am going to have to find a way to let Spirits in without also inviting bodies.  Most importantly though, I want to avoid hurting any feelings.

Unconditional Love accepted, I seem to have only opened up myself to the experience of being IN LOVE once in my life so far.  I exposed all parts of myself to this other being so entirely during this relationship and I was hurt so deeply and so unexpectedly…and suddenly-!  I usually go about my days thinking that I am wholely unaffected by the affair but I am very undeniably traumatized from the experience.  I know this without a doubt because I have tried to reach this point again with every single Lover who has been brave or bold (or dumb) enough to enter into my life over the past two years and tried to Love me so completely…but to no avail.  Regardless, I retain fragments of hope for the chance to fall IN LOVE again.  Perhaps it could be this time..

In addition to being polyamorous and romantically traumatized, I also support the inclusive and rather reasonable concept that most all human beings are, to some degree, bi-curious or bi-sexual.  I also, being oriented in the positive portion of all three of these ideaologies, find myself inclined to be disagreeable to the idea of both religious and legal marriage.  I do, however, support long-term and trusting romantic unions and any forms of healthy, well-intentioned domestic partnerships.  I find healthy familial units to be crucial to the success and development of the human and natural community.  Although not bouncing at the divezone to become pregnant, bear and birth a child, and raise a young one with a loving, like-minded partner at this juncture in my existence, it does not mean that I will not be open to the idea

01 October 2013

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