Ah, My Darling

Letters to my dearest Darling,

Here I sit.  I’m comfortable.  I’m warm.  My fingers are cold from holding this delicious blended Chai Tea.  I am watching Dexter and watching people.  I am being watched also.  I truly love you; whatever that means.  I am clear that I love you.  I feel much affection toward you.  I would even say that I feel longing.  I am cracking up right now.  I love the sensation of being seen…feeling wonder…ed about.  I delight in knowing that I give off the feel of “interesting.”  I suppose certain kinds of vibrations are infectious. 🙂

I am waiting for someone I am a friend to.  I am thinking of you and trying to connect, Love.  I have been thinking about it and I can easily say that there are so many people whom I might be able to say that I’m a friend to.  There seem to be quite fewer whom I feel I also could call on on my own side.  Perhaps this is excessively egotistical thinking on my part.  However, I am not so sure that, as far as the truth goes, this bit of information isn’t particularly factual.  I seem to experience the awareness of my aloneness rather oftener than in my younger life.

I suppose some people have a kind of inherent electroconductivity that make them particularly linked-in.  I seem to be fond of the sound of the word, “part-i-cu-lar-ly.”  In any case, I am thinking about several women.  Why does it seem that, far from being disconnected, these beings seep into my spirit.  Just a bit of eye contact and I am exposed and embarrassed.  I feel shy and pure and naked and innocent; all in a moment.  Why is it that men have ever been my partners, while grown women have become what it is that’s been twisting my intestines?

Anyway, I am quite convinced that I may eventually become sexually intertwined with a woman.  It just so happens that I am excruciatingly, undeniably comfortable being naked with them.  It’s as if it is not even possible that I could feel self-conscious when I am natural with a woman.  We are the same, after all..  There are so many pieces of my body that I haven’t even taken the time to fully explore yet…perhaps if I had a helper…someone who knew the ropes…

Regardless, there are so many other people who are of interest to me, Darling.  I can hardly go a moment without someone so effortlessly catching my attention.  Why am I so easily distracted?

Here I am, not a moment into the current present, when yet another detail makes itself known to me.  Why does every thing have to be so absurdly complicated?  I guess that this is what happens when we try to ignore our true destinies.  No matter what I do, I find myself continually redirected…and increasingly more and more ruthlessly.  It’s easy to find words when you’re describing things that have actually happened…well, even more so WHILE they are happening.  Why do I find myself so shocked to be woken up IN the present moment?  Where have I been all this time?

Am I so resistent of the current present?

Where am I?

I started out writing a kind of love-letter…a way to connect you.  I end up connecting with a stranger?  What in the world am I thinking?  Am I not?  Thinking?  Maybe I should act more and then do a lot less of it.  Thinking, I mean.  I should probably not even worry this much.  Why, oh WHY did I agree to be in a relationship so suddenly?  I can’t believe that I could be so rash and jerk around in extreme contrasting directions so violently.  When people speak of up and down, they enjoy it.  I am up, down, left, right, diagonal, and seemingly unlimited arrangements that aren’t even physically possible.  Ugh..no WONDER I am getting motion sickness and feeling oh-so-prone to cruise control in reason’s absence.

I cannot even express myself fully anymore because I don’t want to explore my own thoughts and feelings because they’ll force me to grow and transcend the present.

Is this the truth of the moment?

Am I really just afraid to move on in my life? Really? Am I THAT terrified of moving on and growing up with myself?

Oh.

My..

Gah.

That is what this is. O.O I am actually just afraid. I’m terrified.

I have been so aloof that I even agreed to be in a romantic relationship with a Spiritual-kindred who trusts me because I have been begging for an excuse to be left alone in the present..

Psh…like that could happen. (-.-)

Crap, Universe.

Thank you for sending me Julian.

I am bold as hell…and also retreating.

Those were delicious eatings…thanks for the Mushroom Nachos, Wednesday.

Now onward…to the future! (-.-) Ugh.

I think I’m gonna be sick..

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